I Will Be Holding an Hour Long Special To Let You Know the Topic of This Article

So the past few weeks I have been moving to Brooklyn and lacking what you might refer to as an ‘internet connection.’ I went against an oath I made years ago to never do business with cablevision again and am currently awaiting their technician while I write this. Either way, sorry about not having updates, I know I missed a lot of golden opportunities for articles.

Out of all the insanity of the past few weeks though, one thing I feel I must weigh in on is Lebron James. Never in my life have I hated someone I haven’t met so much, who has so little to do with my day to day existence on this planet.

I grew up in New York, so quite obviously I was a Knicks fan as a child. After about 1994 though, they became so terrible that sitting through the first five minutes of an NBA game to me was the same as fingering a wolverine’s asshole. That said, the sport fell quite far down my list of ‘must watch’ events, sitting with, in my opinion, the worst American sport of baseball. Just make football and hockey run year round already.

Anyway, this past season I actually got caught up in the hype. Was Kobe that good? Could Lebron lead his team to his first championship? Is Ray Allen the nastiest motherfucker on the planet with a shot that not even god himself could do better? All these questions and more mattered to me, and I realized that as much as I had tried to avoid the sport altogether, basketball was entertaining me again.

Then it happened. ESPN caught on that people cared what team Lebron would sign with next season, and just like every god damn year with Brett Favre, they decided to run the story 24/7 minus an occasional golf highlight.

Not only is that such a terrible waste of everyone’s time, but Lebron got so high and mighty with the attention he was getting, he seemed happy to steal the spotlight away from the actual NBA playoffs, which were pretty damn good this year. A guy who isn’t good enough to win a single final game his entire career was now the focus of a sport in the final stretch of it’s own playoffs. How the hell does that make sense?

Whatever though, that’s not really his fault, it’s our fault for watching the same idiots guessing over and over again and allowing them to only talk about one subject for hours upon hours. What is his fault though is the fact that he decided to hold AN HOUR TELEVISION EVENT to let us know where he would be going.

Not in the history of sports, in ANY sport, has someone been so egotistical and shitty. Lebron is nowhere near the greatest basketball player of all time.



He’s not even the greatest player playing the game today.



He’s an attention whore plain and simple. I hope the Heat don’t win a single god damn game and Lebron gets a career ending injury. What a piece of shit he is, and what a way to just piss all over the city you called home for so many years. The owner of the cavs wrote an open letter to Lebron that said the following. (And this is real.)

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....

Dan Gilbert Majority Owner Cleveland Cavaliers

Couldn’t have said it better myself. He got himself fined 100 thousand dollars for writing it by David Stern, but good for him, it needed to be said.

Go fuck yourself Lebron.

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